Monty Python and the Zoid Eve
by Enigma of Despair
Summary: Take a wild geuss, Monty Pythonand the Holy Grail X-over, all hell brakes lose, and the first person stupid enough to flame me while they're logged in get's their inbox flooded. R&R!
1. Beggining to Plagued Village

Author's notes: Okay people, I'm having repeated trouble with this so PAY ATTENTION: THE REVIEW SYSTEM IS **NOT** FOR REVIEWING MY RANTS, **E-MAIL** ME IF YOU WANT TO DO THAT, THOUGH IT WILL BE IGNORED.

We apologize for the error in the sub-titles; those responsible have just been sacked.

The other thing is that I prefer signed reviews although anonymous reviews are accepted... AND NO FLAMES!

We apologize again for the error in the sub-titles; those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have just been sacked.

Enigma of Despair: YAY, I have a muse now.

Random Soldier: Hey, didn't I say you couldn't use me as a muse?

Enigma of Despair: No.

Random soldier: Yes I did!

Enigma of Despair: NO YOU DIDN'T, I AM YOUR GOD!

Random Soldier: No you aren't.

Enigma of Despair: YES I AM! NOW BEHOLD MY POWER YOU FAILURE OF A MUSE! Blows up Random Soldier. (I apologize if there is a real random soldier here on , that was just something I came up with off the top of my head.)

We apologize yet again for the Error in the sub-titles; those responsible for sacking the people who sacked the people who have just been sacked have just been sacked. The sub-titles will now continue in an entirely different manor.

Mexican music plays

Disclaimer: I don't own twelve Mexican whooping lamas, 20 Austrian kadeveirs (closely related to lamas), Ralph the Wonderful Lama, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or Zoids.

Monty Python and the Zoid Eve

-Planet Zi 9342 AD-

(Sound of a Zoid approaching over a hill)

A man with black hair had clothing walks over a hill making motions like he's in a Zoid cockpit, followed closely by a black organoid holding a tape player.

They approach a castle and the man makes movements like he's stopping a Zoid and the organoid presses a button on the tape player in order to generate the correct sound.

A man leans over the edge of the castle, "Halt, who goes there?"

The man with black hair answers, "I am Raven, King of the Zians."

"Who's the other one?"

"I am, and this is my trusty organoid shadow."

"Where'd you get the coconuts?"

"What?"

"You're using coconuts."

"No we're not!"

"Yes you are, you've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together?"

"I'm sorry, is this an insane asylum?"

"Found them? In Marcia? The coconuts tropical."

"I think you're getting a little off subject here."

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

Raven then turns to shadow and says, "I wonder who got this guy out of the happy bin?"

Shadow then growls is agreement to Raven "grrrr, grrrr." (I agree, this guy is a nut job.)

Raven then turns back to the lunatic and says, "We are NOT using coconuts!"

"Carried, by what? A swallow?"

"Look, is there any..."

"It doesn't matter where it grips it, it's a simple matter of weight ratios. A 5 ounce swallow cannot carry a 1 pound coconut."

"Please..."

Another man just pops out of nowhere and decides to join in, "It could be carried by an African swallow."

Then the man behind the wall replies, "Oh an African swallow maybe but not a European swallow that's my point... but then again African swallows are non-migratory."

"Aren't you two on the wrong planet?" King Raven asked in hope to get a sensible answer.

"Perhaps two swallows carried it together?" Sid the other man who just came out of nowhere.

"How, tied between the dorsal guidance feathers?" replied man #1.

"Well why not?" said man #2 in his own defense.

Raven just shook his head and made movements like he was starting a zoid up.

A little ways along they came to some guys in a sword fight, just as they reached them the Black Zoid Warrior shoved his sword through the Green Zoid Warrior's head.

King Raven goes up to the knight and says, "You fight with the strength of many men good Zoid Warrior, I am searching out the strongest and bravest knights in the land for my court of Helic."

The black zoid warrior gives no response.

Raven then presses the topic further, "I would be honored if you would join me in my Court of Helic."

The black zoid warrior still gives no response.

Raven then solemnly said, "Very well, you make me sad," but as he tried to go by the black zoid warrior he finally gave a response...

"None shall pass."

"Good zoid warrior, I have no quarrel with you, but I must pass this bridge."

"Then, you shall die."

"Very well then," Raven then pulls out a sword no one noticed before.

Mysterious narrator voice: And so, the battle waged on, until raven finally realized it wasn't medieval times anymore and pulled out a minigun and blasted off the black zoid warriors limbs.

"Oh, cheat will you? Come here, I'll do you for that!"

"Oh what are you going to do, bleed on me?"

"I'm invincible! The Black Zoid Warriors always triumph!

"You're a looney."

"Oh, come here and say that to my face!"

Raven then sighs and blasts the zoid warrior's head off.

Mysterious Narrator Voice: And so king Raven and his organoid shadow travel on, until they reach a small village...

King Raven comes up behind some one and says, "Hey you, old woman..."

"Man."

"Man sorry..."

"I'm 37."

"What?"

"I'm 37, I'm not old."

"Well I can't just call you man."

"I'm Earl."

"I didn't know you were called Earl."

"Well you didn't bother to find out did you? Excuse me if I'm wrong but it sounds to me like you're treating me like an inferior.

"Well I am king you know."

"Oh king eh? And how'd..."

"SHUT UP!" Raven suddenly yelled at the peasant while blowing his head off with the mini-gun.

Mysterious Narrator Voice: And so they traveled on, battling fierce groups of enraged peasants, until they came to the plagued Village...

A man was walking down the street shooting a gun into the air and saying, "Bring out your dead!"

"I've got one," said Bit cloud as he dragged a cart with the Liger 0 on it.

(I'm not dead!)

"Yes you are."

(I don't want to go on the cart)

"Oh, don't be such a baby"

This is when the dead cart man said, "there, he says he's not dead."

(I feel happy!)

"Look, you're not fooling anyone. Just do us all a favor."

(I think I'll go for a walk.)

"Isn't there something you could do?"

The man looked around and shot the Liger 0 in the head with his AK-47.

Just then King Raven walked by, "Who's that," asked Bit.

"I don't know, must be a king."

"Why?"

"He hasn't got shit all over him."

"Huh, well... see you Thursday."

"Right... Bring out your dead!"

Mysterious Narrator Voice: Well, that's it for this chapter, but more is on the way. Anyways, in the next chapter, we have the witch village, the book of the film, and the French castle. (Gets shot by Enigma of Despair for telling too much.)

Enigma of Despair: well, guess that I'll have my pet gorilla replace my narrator. R&R, NO FLAMES!!!!


	2. Sir Reece through trojan rabbit

Review responses- (out of order)

Aniu Blade- Well, thanks, and I always thought it was ni...

Gets into a massive global war between people who think it's 'ni,' and people who think its 'nih.'

Assssssddddddd- I don't think you've seen any Monty Python movies in your life or you'd know that it's slapstick comedy and doesn't really flow.

OmegaMewtwo- no problem, always happy to help a fellow author... I think I'll tell you how I came up with this (dodges a rotten tomato), I got bored and retreated into the inner confines of my mind where impulsiveness reigns supreme, then I wrote whatever came to mind.

Drogan- Well, I don't know about you... but natural defensey-ness is what kept humanity alive (I'm referring to the fact that France is restricted to the small area it takes up), and more than a few blessings from God... and I'm sorry if you're not Christian but it is perfectly within my rights to say that. And if you've EVER met me on Battle net (the online gaming service for War craft 3 & Diablo 2), then you'd know that I am EXTREMELY violent when it comes to homos, when I was in the 4th grade I made some little homo cry by snapping him in the back with a rolled up shirt then taunting him about how he was a little wussy homo. I imagine I'd laugh at myself if I saw that... I mean, all little kids kinda look like homos don't u think? And no I don't count this as a flame because it has some positive stuff in it and you don't over-exaggerate the stuff I did wrong like the psycho Canadian guy did before the administrators #cough# dictators #cough# took down that story, and I may get a little more OOC in this chapter but the hilarity is exponentially when you're thinking about MP...

Teefa85- thanks for the review, well, er... thanks, I'm not sure if I should thank one or three people... OH WELL! Like the old saying goes "kill 'em all, and let God sort them out."

Enigma of Despair: I've decided to use shadow as my muse now.

Shadow: pops out of nowhere and starts running around frantically yelling, "roar, roar!?" (Where the hell am I, where the hell am I!?")

Enigma of Despair: I am God, and I brought you here to have someone to talk with.

Shadow: Grrr..? (Who)

Enigma of Despair: God, I am your God.

Shadow grrr...? (Who's God)

Enigma of Despair: God is the all-powerful immortal entity that controls almost every aspect of your life.

Shadow: Grrrrrr...? (You mean Zoid Eve?)

Enigma of Despair: ...You idiot, here... read this shoves a bible at shadow's face

Shadow: read's book and get's depressed "grrrrrr.... grrrr....." (Everything I lived for is a lie...).

Enigma of Despair: So, cheer up and act like a muse or I'll kill you.

Shadow: manages a false smile (if organoids can smile)

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

"Psei-ey-eisul-domin-a- -domin-a-is-requeai" Chorused a team of monks before hitting them selves in the head with blocks of wood. This repeated several times before they passed an angry mob and a zoid warrior who was just letting a swallow go with a coconut tied to it's leg.

The Mob

"A ZOIDIAN, A ZOIDIAN!" Chorused the mob as they shoved a girl towards the zoid warrior.

"We found a Zoidian, may we burn her?" Asked stupid guy #1.

"How do you know she is a Zoidian?" Asked the zoid warrior in return.

"She looks like one," said stupid guy #2

Then the 'zoidian' decided to speak in her defense, "I'm not a zoidian, I'm not a zoidian, they dressed me up like this and this isn't my nose, it's a false one."

The zoid warrior then lifted her false nose made out of bark to see her real nose, he then tips it back down before saying, "Did you dress her up like this?"

That got a chorused "no." from the mob... until stupid guy #3 said, "a bit," getting a chorus of that from the crowd.

Just then King Raven showed up and spotted the girl.

"ZOIDIAN!" yelled the king as he blasted her head off.

A few minutes later...

The zoid warrior met with King Raven and started a conversation by asking, "Who are you who are so wise in the ways of imperialistic justice?"

King Raven then responded with, "I am king Raven. I am looking for the strongest zoid warriors in the land to join me in my court of Helic, will you join me?"

The zoid warrior responded with, "my liege."

King Raven then asked, "What is your name good Zoid warrior?"

"I am Reese the Cross-dresser."

"Then I dub you 'Sir Reece, Knight of the Hexagonal Table.'"

-The Book of the Fan Fiction-

Sir Reese (hint hint: cross-dresser) was the first Zoid Warrior to join king Raven's quest, but other illustrious names were soon to follow.

(hand flips page)

Sir Hiltz the brave,

(hand flips page)

Sir Guy-I-Made-Up-Due-To-Lack-Of-Characters the pure,

(hand flips page)

Sir Van the not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Hiltz,

(hand flips page)

Who had nearly stood up to the vicious spider in his bathroom,

(hand flips page)

Who had almost watched Stephan King's "IT,"

(hand flips page)

And who had Personally wet himself... while he had paranoid thoughts of explosives in his food,

(hand flips page)

And the aptly named...

(hand flips page)

Sir not...

(gorilla hand sneaks up on human hand)

...Appearing in this fanfic.

(gorilla hand grabs human hand and yanks it off the screen.)

-Back to the Fic!-

King Raven and his Zoid Warriors were walking along when he said, "Behold your new home, Helic!"

"Helic."

"Helic."

Then shadow said "Grrrr.... Grr....." (It's only a model.)

King Raven responded by saying "shh!"

-Inside Helic-

"We're Knights of the Round Table, our boots are quite medieval!"

"And in good time we think you'll find that we do seem quite able."

-screen flips to view of a prisoner clapping then flips back-

"We're Knights of the Round Table, and we are fat and able!"

"And in good time we think you'll find that..."

"I have to push the Cram-A-Lot!"

-Back outside-

"On second thought let's not go to Helic, 'tis a silly place." Muttered King Raven.

"Right," said his Zoid Warriors in agreement.

As they walked on Holy music starts playing and cardboard clouds open up to reveal a man with oddly placed hands, a beard, and a crown behind them.

"Who are you?" Asked King Raven.

"I am the author, I write down all of your movements on this computer and submit them to a website."

"Sure..."

"No, seriously... watch." Said the author as he went to the computer and typed in Raven having a sex change, "see."

"Change me back, please... I'll miss being drunk in public."

"Nah, I think that I'll leave you as _Queen_ Raven until further notice."

"NNNOOOOO!!!!!"

"Hey! Do you want me to turn you into a midget, you'll be just like a female Napoleon."

"Please, anything but that!"

"Tell you what, get through this chapter without annoying me and I'll change you back."

"Thank you O' Lord."

"Anyways... Raven, Queen of the Zians, I charge upon you a quest to make you and your Zoid Warriors of the Hexagonal Table to make you an example in these dark times.

"Good Idea O'Lord."

"Of course it's a good idea... _madam_... mwuhahahaha!"

That was when the clouds closed back up with an odd banging sound.

"A blessing, a blessing from the Lord!" Stated the cross-dresser Reece after the preceding.

(insert retarded movie sequence)

Queen Raven...

"I resent that!"

...ok... anyways, QUEEN Raven and his Zoid Warriors were walking through a forest when they came to a castle (oh yah!). They walked... err I mean rode up to the castle and when they were within hailing distance shadow made a high-pitched screech that burst all the glass in a twenty mile radius.

"'ello? 'o iz it?"

"It is I Raven King..."

"Queen sir... uh I mean madam."

"Uh... right... of the Zians, who is your master?"

"Dis iz ze castle of my masta Zoida-Luamba."

"Go and tell your master that we have been charged by the author with a sacred quest. If he would give us food and shelter for the night, he may join us on our quest. The quest for Zoid Eve."

"Well I'll ask 'im, but I don' think 'e'll be very keen, you see we've already got von."

He then turned to his counterparts hiding behind the wall and said, "I told 'im ve already got von." This was followed by muffled laughter.

"What?"

"He said they've already got one," said Sir Hiltz.

"Well, can we come up and have a look?"

"Of course not, you are Zian types'a"

"Well what are you then?"

"I'm French, why do you think I have zis outrageous accent?"

"What are you doing on Zi?" asked sir Hiltz.

"Mind your own buziness."

"Is there anyone else up there we can talk to?" asked Queen Raven.

"No, now go away you Zian pig-dogs. Go boil your bottoms you stupid Zians. I blow my nose at you, and dump our wastes on your privatez."

"Look, I've been more than reasonable..."

"I don't wanna talk to you no more, I fart on your general direction, your mozer vas a hampster and your fazer smelt of elderberries!"

"Please..."

The Frenchie then turned back to his pals and said, "Fetche da mush."

"Wa?"

"Fetche da mush."

They then go and load up a cow into a catapult and launch it at the Zians.

"RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!"

Ambient was then squashed by the cow.

"Charge!"

And so the Knights of the hexagonal table charged the castle, until they were pelted by a continuous stream of live animals like ducks and chickens, forcing them into retreat.

"I'll rip them limb from limb...." Muttered Hiltz.

"No!" shouted Queen Raven as she held Sir Hiltz back.

"Madam, I have a plan...."

A few hours later they were pushing a giant wooden rabbit up to the French castle.

In another few moments that giant rabbit sailed over the castle walls to crush an already wounded Ambient.

-end chapter two-

EoD: Well... watcha think?

Shadow: "grrr...." (You might want to duck to avoid all that rotten fruit.)

EoD: "CRAP!" Ducks as a torrent of rotten tomatos and such came flying at him from angry readers mad at how long the update took.

Angry Fans: "LET'S TIE HIM UP, AND FORCE HIM TO WRITE THE NEXT CHAPTER!"

Drogan: "Yah, and maybe we can even force him to experience homo-sex!" Starts a poll on who should rape me, and then comes after me with invincible chains.

EoD: "AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! HOMOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" pulls out an MNTG system and starts nuking the swarms of homos and obsessed fans (like I have any of those).

Michael Jackson: "ohhh.... Harder.... Harder... OMG... yes... more..."

EoD: Looks over shouder to see MJ getting 'done' by shadow. "That's it, as the author I think I'll blow you two up."

MJ & shadow: get blown up

Queen Raven: can you change me back now?

EoD: "Of course, you'll be male again at the beginning of the next chapter."

Question of the chapter: What... is the capitol of Assyria? (correct answer gets cookie points)

EoD: "Anyways, who wants to be my muse, if I get multiple applications I'll manage to fit you all in somehow."

09/04/04 – 1:28:33 AM

Enigma of Despair signing off

Tracking...

signal lost.

Attempting trace...

IP address not found

Locating process error code: 034416

Attempting repair...

repair failed

WARNING: virus –W32Nimba- located in drive(s) C, D, E, & A

Attempting repair...

repair failed

WARNING: firewall down

Emergency shut down? Y/n

WARNING: computer interface disabled

Auto answer: (n)

WARNING: hacker detected

WARNING: COMPUTER HIJACKED

Activating MS-Dos...

-delete drive :/c

-continue? y/n?

-y

-delete succesful


End file.
